The Evils of Alcohol
by Summer Sweet
Summary: The aftermath of the Unfortunate Ship Incident. Yes, that Incident. For Abby -- this is all your fault. =P (SNES)


=D Happy (belated) birthday, Abby! I know you haven't even played the game yet (and thus, haven't seen the Unfortunate Ship Incident yet *sweatdrop*), but...well, I've had this idea for a while, now, and I needed some excuse to get it out.  
  
And it's SHORT, too. .o;; Only four pages. Oh well...first in the Abby no Otanjou Purezento Trilogy, I present to you this twisted brainpoot of mine. Itadakima~asu.  
  
*  
  
"We're in trouble, aren't we."  
  
"For what? It certainly wasn't our fault. It wasn't like we could have done anything, given our condition."  
  
"Yeah, but...Cless doesn't seem happy about it."  
  
"Screw him."  
  
"Can I really?"  
  
"Don't be sarcastic."  
  
"Who said I was being sarcastic?"  
  
"I -" Klarth was rather suddenly cut off as Cless stormed into their rather cramped cabin room, giving them all an evil glare. Mint followed behind him, an expression of pity etched into her delicate features.  
  
Cless stopped halfway into the room, turned so he was facing the other two, put his hands on his hips, and said, "So."  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"So what?" said Arche.  
  
"So!" he said again, for emphasis. Then he decided that the current position of his hands made him look like a pissed housewife, and he folded his arms instead, which was not a huge improvement. "So..."  
  
"Get to the point," Klarth snapped, getting fed up.  
  
"Araa, Klarth-san, don't be rude..."  
  
"I can take care of this, Mint. Anyway, so." Cless turned back to them and gave them a look that made him look even more like a pissed housewife. "What have we learned here, you two?"  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Don't trust strangers who buy you drinks on ships?"  
  
"That too. Klarth-san, do you know what we've learned?"  
  
"That Arche talks in her sleep?"  
  
Arche turned bright red. "I do?!"  
  
"No. The OTHER thing."  
  
"What other thing?"  
  
"Think about it for a minute."  
  
They tried to, they really did - but all Arche could do was splutter about her sleep-talking. Klarth, of course, could only think about naked girls, considering he had a one-track mind. Well, two-track, since he'd also started thinking about money. Then it fused into one track again as he started thinking about naked girls with money.  
  
A minute later, this was still all they were doing. Cless sweatdropped.  
  
"You know," Mint commented, "I think you might have to tell them yourself, Cless-san."  
  
The blond felt an insane urge to begin banging his head against something, preferably something hard and made of wood.  
  
"I will tell you," he growled through clenched teeth, "what we have learned today. What we have learned, you see -" And here he flung out an arm for dramatic flair. Arche squealed and ducked as he almost hit her. " - is that ALCOHOL is EVIL!"  
  
There was a very long silence. Cless decided he'd better continue.  
  
"How did we learn this, everyone?" He waited, but nobody replied. "Okay, I'll tell you how. We learned it because YOU TWO got SO DRUNK that I had to fight the demon ALL BY MYSELF! Aren't we supposed to be a team, here?!"  
  
"I think it's partly your fault," Arche argued, "considering you didn't let us get drunk as a team."  
  
"That's because I have SENSE! Which is more than you have! Now, I'm going to make sure this never happens again! Mint, I need a bible."  
  
The healer looked around the room, then smiled placidly and said, "There doesn't seem to be one, Cless-san."  
  
"Oh, great. Well, I guess any book would do."  
  
Everyone suddenly started staring at Klarth, who sweatdropped and sat on his incantation book. "What?"  
  
Cless glared at him, but obligingly rummaged around in his things for a few minutes, ignoring his protests. Finally, he pulled out a dog-eared magazine with a well-endowed, barely-clad woman on the cover.  
  
They all stared at it.  
  
"Well, gee," said Klarth, in an entirely unconvincing tone. "How did THAT get in there?"  
  
"It'll have to do," Cless declared, holding it uncertainly at arm's length, as though it would jump up and corrupt him at any moment. "Now, I want you to swear upon this that you will never, ever, ever, EVER get drunk off your asses again."  
  
They both gasped.  
  
"Oh, but..." Tears welled up in Arche's eyes. "You couldn't inflict such a harsh punishment on *me*, Cless! On the old bastard, yeah, but -" She crawled over to him and hugged his leg, staring up at him with sparkly pink eyes. " - not on cute little meee?"  
  
He gave her a cold, impassioned glare. "Swear it on the porn magazine, Arche."  
  
"But Cless -"  
  
"Swear it on the porn magazine!"  
  
She began to sob. "You're so mean!"  
  
Klarth narrowed his eyes. "Now look, you've made the poor girl cry! Come on, let's forget about the whole thing, why don't we? For her sake!" Arche did her best to look innocent and adorable.  
  
"Arche-san, Klarth-san, please," Mint pleaded. "This is for your own good."  
  
"But -"  
  
"We are prepared to use force, if necessary," Cless told them sternly, and tried to subtly enforce this by coughing and putting his hand on his sword's hilt. He failed, considering how blatantly obvious it was, but they got the point anyway.  
  
The pink-haired girl pouted, but sulkily placed her right hand on the porn magazine's edge. Klarth frowned, but did the same, except his hand ended up in a rather more...interesting...place on the cover picture. Cless coughed again and pretended not to notice.  
  
"Now, repeat after me," he said. "'I solemnly swear, upon this...porn magazine...'"  
  
"I solemnly swear," they said, with a great show of reluctance, "upon this porn magazine..."  
  
"'With the gods as my witness...'"  
  
"With the gods as my witness..."  
  
"'That I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER let my enemy get me so drunk that I can't move. Again.'"  
  
"That I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER let my enemy get me so drunk that I can't move. Again."  
  
"Even if they're paying?"  
  
"Even if they're paying. Come on, 'even if they're paying'."  
  
"Damn. Fine. Even if they're paying."  
  
"There. That wasn't so hard, was it?"  
  
"There. That wasn't so hard, was it?"  
  
"Arche, I'm done now."  
  
"Arche, I'm done now."  
  
"Okay, that's not funny."  
  
"Okay, that's not funny."  
  
"Cut it out!"  
  
"Cut it out!"  
  
"I'm serious!"  
  
"I'm serious!"  
  
"Okay, fine, I just won't talk anymore."  
  
"Okay, fine, I just won't talk anymore."  
  
"That'll be an improvement," Klarth said, smiling broadly. "That was an enlightening and educational experience for me, Cless. Thank you." And with that, he uncrossed his fingers behind his back.  
  
Arche stared at him. He leered at her unpleasantly, then snatched his magazine from Cless' hands, and headed out.  
  
"And where are you going?" she snapped, annoyed at the whole thing.  
  
"Off to make good use of this, of course," he retorted, grinning and brandishing it with a flourish as he closed the door behind him.  
  
Cless stared blankly after him. "I wonder what he meant by that."  
  
The girls just stared at him. He continued to look blank for another minute, then slowly began to turn red.  
  
"Oh. Oh. Oh."  
  
Elsewhere on the ship, Klarth was having a very good time.  
  
- O w a t t a - 


End file.
